Most of the time, I try to keep a positive attitude about the chronic illness that I must live with every day. But sometimes, I cannot hep but to think about how close I am to death. I don’t like to think about it, but there it is.
I have had a (minor) stroke, and that scared me way more than starting dialysis, probably because I was knocking on death’s door. The mere fact that I have had a stroke in the past makes it more likely that I will have a stroke in the future. Add to that my kidney disease, and my risk doubles (I don’t really know the chances; I am just trying to be dramatic).
At first, I thought that I was paying a penance for all the bad things I have done in my life, for all the drugs (mostly marijuana) and alcohol that I had taken into my body, and for all the terrible food that I poisoned myself with. But now I just think it was fate, and that maybe in my suffering I will somehow be able help other people; that’s why I started this blog.
It is scary for a man of 40 to think he is close to death. There is so much more that I want to accomplish in life. I want to publish a novel; I want to see one of my feature length screenplays produced; I want to show the world to my wife; I want to help people somehow, especially children. The only thing I can do is to work as hard as I can to try and accomplish a few of these things, eat right, exercise, and hope that other people can learn from my mistakes.